What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm just crazy horny about you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
