i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
