if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
