i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
