so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!