so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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