We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
