i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
