I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
