That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
