Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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