K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
