Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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