my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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