He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
