I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
