Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
