I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno