I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes