sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
cat food counts as protein by the way
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
