If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
