remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
