I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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