it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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