Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
