If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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