Ketchup is God's man juice
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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