My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
