he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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