Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
