I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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