Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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