I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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