my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
