wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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