so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
