He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
