I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
