we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
