drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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