I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
