Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
