my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
