i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
