I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I came so hard my ears popped.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
