I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
