i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
