bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
