Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
