He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Shame - the story of my life.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
