You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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