Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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