I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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