smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
