It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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