we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
