God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
