And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
